A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the rock up, walked over to the window and threw the rock out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the rock.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost. Hahahahaha... Abeg if you are the one, what would you do? Lol
She accepted it was a “special day” as she became our longest-reigning monarch, but the Queen was, as ever, the very embodiment of understatement. Appearing rather bashful about the attention being lavished on her as she made history, Her Majesty made only a passing reference to her entry in the record books, insisting: “It is not one to which I have ever aspired.” While everyone around her was, quite rightly, paying homage to her remarkable achievement, the Queenmade it clear that, as far as she was concerned, all she had done was to stay alive and healthy. “Inevitably, a long life can pass by many milestones,” she said. “My own is no exception. But I thank you all and the many others at home and overseas for your touching messages of great kindness.” Queen Victoria, the woman whose record she surpassed, was not mentioned in the Queen’s brief speech at Tweedbank railway station in the Borders, where Her Majesty was more preoccupied with the business at hand, namely opening the longes...
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